Saddest day of my life

I was so excited, because today I had the baby's first ultrasound scheduled. It was like Christmas waiting for it all day today. I was a cleaning fool, so that I could pass the time quickly. Time came, I packed the kids up and went to the US place.

As we started to look at the baby, I noticed that the baby looked kind of small for what I knew my gestational age to be, but more noticeably, I noticed an absence of something very important.....a heart beat. I could tell the technician was very uncomfortable and worried, and to tell you the truth, so was I. My family was in the room with me, and I didn't want to let on that I was worried about the baby so I didn't say anything. We decided to use the trans vaginal probe to get a better look.

While we were looking I still couldn't see a heartbeat and I just knew.....but it was too awful to say and I couldn't/didn't want to think about it. Finally the technician looked at me and said "I can't find a heartbeat". I played it off in front of my family, and my husband thought that meant that we needed a better machine to get to see the heartbeat. I don’t know how I was able to keep it together.

After Adrian and the girls left the room so I could dress, I just lost it. The technician was so good to me and was very patient and gentle, and I am so very grateful to her. She talked to me, answered my questions and was just there. Then it was time to go, and I saw the box sitting on the table. It was one of those picture boxes, but I knew exactly what it was for….I got mad at that box. I decided I hated that box, it was a disgusting box and it made me want to scream. This simple little gesture to try and comfort me made me want to run…..I felt like if I touch that box it was going to kill me. I pulled myself together, walked out of that room with that box and drove home.

On the way home I felt like, how can there ever be happiness anymore? I felt like everything else should be sad, and I wanted to feel sad forever but when I got home, I watched my two girls laugh. They had so much fun and were so happy…..it made me feel so peaceful. I realized that it was okay to be happy, and that everything was going to be okay. I was sad that my girls were not going to get the chance to know my baby but so happy that I had my girls.

I am dreading waking up tomorrow. I have to face an entire day of knowing that my baby is not with me anymore. At least today, I got to spend most of my day with Gabriel. That is what I have decided to name the baby. I have a long way to go at processing this, but tomorrow is a new day.

Too long!

I am so bad about writing for my blog! But I feel like I get the important stuff down :)

So much has happened since the last time I blogged. I graduated from OSU in May, my family and I moved to Edmond OK, I have attended 7 births as a doula, have been co-leading an awesome birthing and parenting group in Stillwater, and am currently 11 weeks pregnant with baby number 3 planning for my first homebirth!

The knowledge and confidence that I have gained in these past 12 months are so much! I have seen different kinds of births, and 7 beautiful babies born. I have had the pleasure of see one mama dance through her labor, an awesome VBAC, and make so many new friends. I don't think these families will every really understand how special I feel to be allowed into their birthing spaces. Thankyou families!

I also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is what I am supposed to do. I have worked very hard, for this, and I believe that I am good at what I do, because I love and believe in it so much. Thank you so much to everyone in my life that supports and helps me on my journey! You know who you are :)